oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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