I heard we made out
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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