dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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