I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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