You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
