He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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