I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude i'm inner monologue high
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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