Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
