I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
