At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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