I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
