He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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