Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize