I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
