pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
