So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
