eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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