What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
