If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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