I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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