Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
