How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
