we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
