i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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