did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
