these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
