fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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