Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
