I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
