woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
