Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
