Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Randomize
