I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
