my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
