my phone needs a breathalizer
stop calling my apartment porn island.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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