btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
