i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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