So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
