i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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