Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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