I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Who died my cat blue again?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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