I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Boobs speak an international language.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
