How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
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