3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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