He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
