what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
