she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
