How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
