dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
