I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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