oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
