i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
