I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i believe in u and ur pee
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
