i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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