just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize