the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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