and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
