Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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