you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
