even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize