i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
