she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize